Hand Me Down Spaghetti

How many times have I heard people say (not including the times I’ve said it) that they don’t want to end up like their mother (or any other family member, for that matter)? Too many.

Here’s the kicker: There’s no escaping it.

If I really stopped to think about it, so many things about me – how I think, act, the way I talk, how I react – I’ve taken from other people. Not an exact copy, more like a copy that’s blurred around the edges and in the center. It’s the same, but it’s different: It’s ME.

There’s one dish I make for people when all else fails. Spaghetti Bolognese. I make it with a mix of beef and pork (like both my lolas), with leaves of laurel for aroma (like my mom, dad, and lolo), and sun dried tomatoes and milk and sesame oil (me). I wonder how this recipe will turn out in the years to come.

I am like my mom, lolos, aunts, uncles, lolas, and sometimes I am even like my friends. Who I am is made up of fractions of the people I know, meet, or love, all stitched together by this person who just happens to be Kim. I am not bound to turn out exactly like my mom or dad or any person I know, I’m going to turn out as me, and that’s a comforting thought.
 

I must have eaten the marshmallow

In the Stanford Marshmallow Study it was determined that delayed gratification/self discipline is the key to long term success. Children in the test group who resisted eating the marshmallow were shown to be more financially, mentally, and emotionally stable in their thirties, in comparison to two-thirds of the other children in the test group who did not resist the urge for instant gratification.

I must have eaten that damn marshmallow (Jemai’s way, eating it and then saying someone else did is obviously the better option). This isn’t quarter-life crisis. This is the truth. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. And I’m nowhere close to a state of stability.

What kind of life do I want to live? All I know is that if it is a life filled with travel, books, and new experiences, then I can die happy. But about the other things – family, career, making a difference, meeting Oprah – I honestly can’t tell. If it pays to have a vision, then at the moment I am at poverty level. Don’t get me wrong, I do want to attain some level of success, somewhere. I do want to be able to make a difference in someone’s life. And I do want to be counted among the non-marshmallow eaters of this world, but I have yet to know where I’m going, or how to get there. And I’m okay with it. Sure, I have my must-focus-on-income-generation activities, but when the income actually comes it slides out of my pocket to pay for those things in life I choose to enjoy. That’s not exactly delayed gratification, but I’m happy.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, there’s a quotable quote for everything. Maybe that’s because people get to and measure success and non-marshmallow eating in different ways. Maybe I’m not doomed to a life of instability. Maybe a great (not necessarily stable) life is out there and I’m right on my way.